Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
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You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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