Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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