Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
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I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
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I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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