I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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