She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
