You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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