Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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