I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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