how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
