I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
