Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
