i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
