Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
