I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
