Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
