dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
