he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
