dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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