Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
