I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Please don't give away my fajitas
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
