Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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