at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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