Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
not ubering you a puppy
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
