I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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