Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
