i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
