Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
