my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
