Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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