my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
