i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
