why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
