the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
