It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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