You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
