I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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