My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
