I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
