I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
well most of my day revolves around power hour
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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