my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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