My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
