Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
