Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
