Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
