You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
