wakey wakey hands off snakey
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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