college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
