white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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