I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
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