I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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