hotel room ftw
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
