Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
