is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
