why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He is an equal opportunity slut.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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