Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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