i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
