so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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