We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Im part way to drunk.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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