she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
