Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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