Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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