the day after is always just damage control
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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