first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
